this sucks

This weekend we got to see some of my family, and I got to see my bff and all of her family....but it just sort of sucked. All weekend long the only thing I could think is 'this sucks'. Seeing all these amazing people just sucks when you are all together because of a funeral of a man not much older than myself and younger than the Mr.

Last Friday I left work and people called out, 'Have a great weekend.' Today I went into the office and people would ask, how was your weekend, did you have a good weekend? And I could barely even answer, I mean do you tell them the truth or just shrug and say fine?

Nothing is fine about what happened. And honestly, over the last two weeks I just have been wondering, who is God in this? When I have let myself think about the situation, I think through different things each time but I just always end at 'this sucks.' I hope for redemption, I hope to have something else to say.

There is this song that I love; normally, I love listening to it, but the last time I heard it I just started bawling and thought what do these words mean now? What did these words mean to him before he died? Where were you Jesus? Were you there? Is your answer, I Am? I used to find this song so comforting, and I imagine I will again, but when I try to find where you were when he took his own life I just can't imagine You claiming, I Am.

I don't think this is something I will ever get my head around. I don't know that I will ever fully understand where God is when someone is too sick to keep walking forward in life. I do hope that he is free and finally headed home, like the song says.